Let It Rain!

20 Aug

This winter has been full of rainy days. It has been the best winter ever. I totally loved the cold grey days and the rain, especially on Sunday afternoons. And most of all, I love the smell of the rain. One of these odors, called “petrichor,” lingers when rain falls after a prolonged dry spell. Petrichor — the term was coined in 1964 by two Australian scientists studying the smells of wet weather — is derived from a pair of chemical reactions.

I enjoyed my drive from home to my office and back, with some nice music on. Sometimes, I would simply avoid the motorway and drive through Midlands – A lovely drive through the Hills and forest with twisty foggy windy roads and narrow tree-lined roads. It doesn’t matter if the rain makes me late, EVERYBODY will be late, so there’s no need to rush or worry. Mentally, I become more relaxed and my mind clears as the white noise surrounding me fills my brain and pushes away the usual concerns occupying my thoughts.

Let it rain!

I am a happier, brighter, more jolly person in the rain. I think it’s so peaceful. It’s like the world is getting a bath, washing away all the dust and dirt, and letting things get nice and soaked. There’s nothing more glorious than sitting in front of a fireplace with a good book, good music, a lovely sweater, and pouring rain.

I love the gloomy greyness of everything. I love flowers with drops of water on them. I love to jump in puddles, big deep, glorious wet puddles. I love the sparkle that everything gets from the water. I love the water spots on my car. I love the free carwash. I love the break in the rain when the sun shines through a sliver in the clouds, then disappears. I love the rainbows that are left behind. I love the thick fog like the kind I drove to Disneyland.

I love just standing in the rain. I love dawn in the rain and how nothing moves. I love how people have to keep their headlights on all day in the rain. I love sticking my face up and just letting the water fall into my mouth and all over my face. I love windy rains when the water splashes you in the face. I love walking on the cold sand of the beach in the rain.

After the rain clears, I feel as if the world has been washed clean: my car, the roads, the air, the sky… Everything becomes fresh again, vivid colors return to the surroundings, brightened by the removal of the environmental dust and pollution that has settled on the trees and scenery. The air is fresh and clean and invigorating thanks to the gloriously tranquilizing overdose of negative ions that ease tension and pressure, and leave me full of energy.

” We send down pure water from the sky. That with it We may give life to a dead land, and slake the thirst of things We have created,- cattle and men in great numbers. “  Surat al-Furqan, 48- 49)

So..Let it rain…

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The Quarter Life …

29 Jul

“What the hell happens to me?” I would wonder. A lot of people feel that way to some extent when we look back at our younger selves and realize how much we’ve changed. The answer, of course, is that we all grow up — and for many of us, what it meant to be “happy” slowly evolves into something completely different. Happiness becomes less the high-energy, totally-psyched experience of a teenager partying while her parents are away or the pyjamas parties.

That doesn’t mean we are less happy now. The kinds of activities we might not have thought earlier tend to bring us a lot more pleasure as we grow. Having reached the quarter-life, the now is more focused on building a career, feeling loved, be free…

It is also the moment of a quarter-life crisis, where  we are consumed by questioning the direction of our career, relationships, and overall life purpose. Whenever I’m in those phases, my dad would just tell me that I’m in a period of intense soul searching…which is somehow true! You can get out of it either fully depressed or fully awakened.

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But at this stage, there are things which I wouldn’t live with:

I don’t want to live a life which others expect me of – I want to live a life true to myself. I want to honour my dreams and all the things I’ve been blessed with. I don’t wish to look back one day on my life and hold regrets of what I should have done…

I want to be happy. I don’t want to stay stuck in old patterns and habits. The so called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflow into many people’s emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change have them pretending to others and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they long to laugh properly and have silliness in their life.

I want to fall in love.. a love where all things are possible, even if they aren’t necessarily looking good today. A love, which comes all natural – which doesn’t feel like a battle. A love which is magical, a love which is not a choice – but a feeling!

I will cherish the few important people in my life and spend most of my time with them. I will express my feelings to them and let know how much they matter to me..

I want to take responsibility of my life, which goes far beyond holding down a job and keeping your house plants watered…or having kids and all.Taking responsibility moves us from a position of feeling like a victim of life, powerless in it, to a place of feeling confident and powerful to weather the storms that may come our way and create the life we envision. Taking responsibility puts our success in our own hands, which is an empowering feeling.

I want to make peace with the past and let it go

I want to travel the world..

…I just WANT to live!

I am.

4 Jun

Often times, I have been questioned or forced to listen to a long story about my life, about the way I am, about the way I CHOSE to live my life. My fields of thoughts are different from my family or surroundings all the time, that I’ve been often saddled with everything negative and I’ve been labelled as being a rebel.

No, I’m not a rebel. I just have my own thoughts – I chose not to go for the institution established by man for various reasons. Exert control, instill morality, stroke egos or whatever it may be.  I’m not into your religion of blind faith, tragic superstitions, public rituals, dogma or organised doctrines. We are born each one as a baby lion, fearless and enthusiastic, we are quickly indoctrinated and conditioned by our parents and the society around us to be fearful and apathetic.

I do believe in a SUPREME EXISTENCE – an infinite energy, which is beyond our ability to observe, beyond comprehension and perception.  The Almighty is OMNIPRESENT. I believe in SIRAAT- UL MUSTAQEEM – The Straight, Balanced Path that takes you to your desired destinations and ultimately death. 

I believe in the Holy Quran being the complete book and guidance. The Quran serves as a guidance to expand your knowledge and build your wisdom, to expand your emotional condition to ever higher states, to establish firm and unshakable belief.

But above all, I believe in reasoning. I believe in being created to acquire knowledge.

Why do we pray? Why do you take the positions you do when you pray? – The position you take when you pray is the optimal orientation to realign your own virtual energy pattern. It is to connect the earths electromagnetic field with your personal field of the sixth Chakra, and therefore with the energy of creation. The Almighty, has established a process for resetting your brain to 7.84 cps, perfect to develop reason. Salaat infuses your consciousness with the ideal cycle of thought. Why do we need to purify our body? We often do ablution without even knowing why.  When we are close to others our energy fields interact, we exchange information, as we cannot judge the true intention, desires, beliefs, previous actions of others held within their pattern, we contaminate our own pattern slightly through these interactions, when we wash it through ablution, it withdraws the pattern within ourselves, in preparation for the removal of the confusion.

I AM

My beliefs are well beyond what I hear in my everyday  ” you HAVE to do this and that” life. No, I don’t HAVE to do anything…I HAVE to do what I believe and understand is right.

I believe in lending ears to my inner voice rather than being dictated

I believe in “living in the present” and not to feel remorse for which has already passed. I believe in lifting my spirit and learn from my errors rather than speaking of sins, faults or mistakes.

I believe in being true to myself rather than repressing humanity and returning to a false paradigm

I believe in infinite consciousness and all that is – It is God. God is not religion!

I believe in questioning things, in seeking the sacredness in everything. We have an obligation to attempt to understand our convictions, and in so doing establish firm beliefs; we have been created for knowledge.

I believe in something that feeds me confidence rather than something that feeds me fear.

I believe in individuality rather than adapting to the psychology of a template

I believe in living and improving myself in the here and now rather than the past or the future

I believe in liberty in awareness rather than the confinement of my memory.  I believe in expanding my mind to enlightenment.

I believe in the light to find God in my inner self, in this life, in the present, in the here and the now…

I believe in a freedom which teaches responsibility towards yourself.

– MB

Ode to You Star of my Life…

23 May

There was something which triggered me to come to see you at the hospital on that day, when I left work early.

I felt a strong need to come to see you.

The memories of you lying in the bed, with your eyes closed and you having problems breathing are still so fresh in my mind… And it pains the same each time I think about you.

It hurts when I think that it was the last time I got to see you; I wish I could see more of you.

I felt so helpless; there was nothing which I could do to help you get out of this pain.

I prayed for you whole night on that day, and I heard that you left us hours later.

You left without even giving me time to say a proper goodbye.

This morning I dreamt about you hugging me tight… How I wish I could hold you this way forever!

Why do I still feel that you had things to tell me?

Why do I still hold that feeling of something incomplete in my heart?

But you are now up, somewhere near God, in your rightful place…

But My heart still cries for you… A million times, I’ll need you

You were more like a dad to me, you were my friend, my guidance, my source of light, my happiness and I’m so proud of you for who you have been in life.

I know that you loved me more than words could describe.

It broke my heart to lose you

Things will never be the same

And although it hurts so bad

I will smile whenever I hear your name

I love you so much

Infinity and Beyond

...

Falling out of…

5 May

It is the beginning of winter and she is trying to love him more. She wants to be part of his life, to share decisions he takes, to love him in the way he loves her. But Summer has not let go yet…

It would have been perfectly acceptable before to go through life in this cloudy facsimile of what life could actually be, unaware of a certain kind of summer love. How could she have known that the grass could be this Technicolor green, that morning coffee could be so deep and rich and sweet, that clouds could stand out so perfectly puffy-white against a sky too blue to look at? She wishes she didn’t know this summer world, that it wasn’t shown to her, because she can’t go back to the muted one she’s living now.

letting-go-of-a-relationship

She tries to concentrate on the things she loves about him. Like maybe his eyes or his hair. She realizes just how perfect he is and it’s still not enough somehow. She is still stuck here trying to figure out how to love him more and she wishes someone could just show her the answers in the back of the book so she wouldn’t feel so fucking defective all the time. But that’s not the way love works. You either got it or you don’t and she knows she doesn’t have it. Yet, she’s trying hard to care…

But life is not a game…

Disclaimer: The short stories on my blog do NOT reflect my life in any single way. The characters involved are entirely fictional and are just figments of my imagination.

She still thinks about him…

27 Mar

As she lies in bed, about to close her eyes and drift off to a far-away place , this is when she realises that it has now been a long time since she last saw him, touched him, whispered something in his ear.Though a huge part of their largely-silent, post acquaintanceship is based on the idea that neither of them have any interest in the other — that whatever happened between them is something entirely left in the past to wither and rot — she still thinks of him. She is not sure if that makes her the weak one in the equation (though she is alright with it if she is). It’s as though whatever existed before is now somehow erased from the mutual history of both, never to be acknowledged again — and that just feels ridiculous.

She wishes that reaching out to him wouldn’t be such an inappropriate step. In fact, it’s the whole “this requires a long, drawn-out explanation of why we’re talking again” thing that really confuses her — is she not allowed to ever consider his existence again? In almost every other aspect of her life, keeping tabs on things and remembering what was good is something to be praised, something that makes you an adult. Somehow, this is the exception.

What has he been doing? The things that he always talked about doing in that kind of dreamy, half-asleep lull of honesty — is he doing them?

Does he think about her? I know, it’s selfish, it’s childish. Nothing screams “immaturity” like wanting to catch up with someone only to shortly thereafter find out exactly what a small (or not at all) percentage of his life has to do with her still.

But in the interest of honesty, she does wonder…Sometimes, if he still does…!

I still think about you!

The Awkward moments and feelings in Life!

26 Mar
  • Seeing a bug, then losing track of it and becoming a paranoid prisoner in your own home.
  • When Facebook, Whatsapp or BBM tells on you for reading a message without responding. Thanks for blowing covers, exposing occasional ignorers/cheaters, and ruining acquaintanceships (does this word even exist?) across the globe with your snitching.
  • Turning my blackberry on takes FOREVER! I would wait patiently, watching the loading bar slowly increase, and once it got good and fully turned on, it has a security check! What did you need to check, we just spent 10 minutes getting you ready, aren’t you ready?!
  • Catching people standing behind you, staring at your screen. It doesn’t matter if you’re texting or surfing the web for completely normal, appropriate content, there’s something irritating about a person attentively watching your personal text messages be written, or keeping tabs on your web habits. I’m always tempted to open a word document and, in size 100 Times New Roman, write: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT WEIRDO?
  • Funny situation
  • When Courts Sales commercial or the Gangnam style clip come on. PLEASE STOP. They should be flagged as inappropriate content!
  • If a person stares at you for longer than five seconds. Only in films are lingering gazes so acceptable, and that’s probably because they’ve got the help of some sort of musical score playing in the background. Stares are uncomfortable for the most part. One second is basic eye contact. Two seconds are a lengthier glance. Three are potential flirtation. Four are like, okay, what’s your deal? Do you think I’m captivatingly attractive or fascinatingly hideous? And five are a flat out violation. What is it that you’re trying to process about my face that’s taken 1/12th of a minute?
  • Thinking that you’ve found a parking space, but as you turn in you discover that a motorcycle, or some other vehicle the size of a cat has already occupied the spot.
  • When a sneeze refuses to come out, causing you to look like a fool with a scrunched up face.
  • Trying to hold your laugh when somebody says “CatamarON” instead of catamaran and keeps on using the word over and over, in each and every single phrase that comes out of their mouth. It happened like hundred times since people got acquainted to that new thing, called catamaran!
  • Eating at a table with a bunch of people you don’t even know.
  • Waiting to hear from somebody specific and being bombarded by texts & calls from everyone who isn’t that person.
  • ATM Fees – Being required to pay money before you can access and retrieve your own money is a bogus concept. I’m considering of getting a stock of everything piled up because buying a pack of gum and getting cash back feels significantly less unfair than paying my money to acquire my money.
  • When the week feels like: Moooooooooooooonday, Tuuuuuuuuuuueeeesday, Weeeeeeeeeeeednesday, Thuuuuuuuuuursday, FriSatSun.
  • Checking your bank account after a day of shopping.
  • Getting paid but knowing in advance that your check will be consumed by lots of stuffs.
  • Entering a parked car on a scorching hot summer day. A Roasted Me!
  • When gas prices are increasing day by day.
  • Never saving someone’s number in your phone. Get texts from them that ask “how are you?” and respond “Who’s this? New phone…” You’ll invariably get a text back that’s like “Um, hello! It’s so-and-so!” They’re offended. They know you don’t have a new phone. You just didn’t want to save their number because that would mean that they existed and mattered. (Note: I actually do this all the time. Not because I don’t like the person but because I’m the laziest human being alive. Sometimes it’s because I hate them though.)
  • Emailing the wrong attachment or sending a work email without any subject. It happened so many times to me, that I often asked myself if I need to follow a course on how to use Emails.
  • Running into acquaintances is unavoidable, but when the conversation ends, we have to make sure to pay attention to the direction they’re headed in. Go the opposite way, because saying “bye” and walking the same route makes for an awkward walk and a second, awkward-er goodbye.
  • When a couple starts fighting and you don’t know how to react and starts glancing in all angles – up, down, right, left, 180 degrees, 60 degrees, 45 degrees…
  • Singing songs you’re not extremely familiar with at a level higher than the volume it’s being played at. All it takes is one incident in which you confidently singing the wrong lyrics at the incorrect part, in a LOUD voice, for you to understand how embarrassing this can be.
  • I’ve learnt the hard way, not to ever, EVER make assumptions about a person being pregnant.
  • Showing a colleague a picture on your phone and he/she scrolling down and seeing something NSFW. Guess I should start strictly enforce the see-with-your-eyes-not-with-your-hands rule.
  • When eating bananas, avoid eye contact with people as you go in for a bite.
  • Starting to say something and then getting interrupted…not once, but twice! -.-” That’s rude, very rude! Let me say what I have to, before I…forget!
  • Having to read a lease or contract in front of someone who’s waiting for you to sign it. Do you expect me to read it all and understand it while you are looking at me? Seriously?