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And she whispered “I do”…

27 May

…She had allowed herself to dream—of a vibrant life that included herself – dancing freely as she traveled the world—and, once she found the right person, falling in love and sharing her life with her beloved. But now, as she stood in the lush garden lined by elegant white arches and colonnades, her body draped with layers of silk and jewels and a veil, the young princess felt that her dreams were being crushed to dust. She knew that sooner or later, she’d have to settle down and marry, somehow she didn’t anticipate who the lucky man might be. She ended up in an arranged marriage due to an old friendship and hard times.

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She did not dare to even breathe her thoughts for fear that her mother, the queen, will punish her. All she could think behind her veils was the eyes which used to look at her fondly – throughout all the years, all the lives, and the universes, they were drawn together. But those eyes could never express what was in his heart – she will never know about it either. And she was left with no choice. But maybe that would be a bigger gamble…

In times of war what you might think of being the end may be the beginning of something else: better, sweeter, lovelier and a hundred times more lethal.

What you might think to be true can turn out to be one of the greatest lies. And what distances you from what you want can bring you closer to your unwanted but already planned destiny.

But the war has ended. Then why do the sayings stay true on this time?

The past shall repeat itself, with the war over another shall begin. And she whispered “I do”… praying it was the best thing she’d every say.

– MB

 

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The Quarter Life …

29 Jul

“What the hell happens to me?” I would wonder. A lot of people feel that way to some extent when we look back at our younger selves and realize how much we’ve changed. The answer, of course, is that we all grow up — and for many of us, what it meant to be “happy” slowly evolves into something completely different. Happiness becomes less the high-energy, totally-psyched experience of a teenager partying while her parents are away or the pyjamas parties.

That doesn’t mean we are less happy now. The kinds of activities we might not have thought earlier tend to bring us a lot more pleasure as we grow. Having reached the quarter-life, the now is more focused on building a career, feeling loved, be free…

It is also the moment of a quarter-life crisis, where  we are consumed by questioning the direction of our career, relationships, and overall life purpose. Whenever I’m in those phases, my dad would just tell me that I’m in a period of intense soul searching…which is somehow true! You can get out of it either fully depressed or fully awakened.

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But at this stage, there are things which I wouldn’t live with:

I don’t want to live a life which others expect me of – I want to live a life true to myself. I want to honour my dreams and all the things I’ve been blessed with. I don’t wish to look back one day on my life and hold regrets of what I should have done…

I want to be happy. I don’t want to stay stuck in old patterns and habits. The so called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflow into many people’s emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change have them pretending to others and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they long to laugh properly and have silliness in their life.

I want to fall in love.. a love where all things are possible, even if they aren’t necessarily looking good today. A love, which comes all natural – which doesn’t feel like a battle. A love which is magical, a love which is not a choice – but a feeling!

I will cherish the few important people in my life and spend most of my time with them. I will express my feelings to them and let know how much they matter to me..

I want to take responsibility of my life, which goes far beyond holding down a job and keeping your house plants watered…or having kids and all.Taking responsibility moves us from a position of feeling like a victim of life, powerless in it, to a place of feeling confident and powerful to weather the storms that may come our way and create the life we envision. Taking responsibility puts our success in our own hands, which is an empowering feeling.

I want to make peace with the past and let it go

I want to travel the world..

…I just WANT to live!

Falling out of…

5 May

It is the beginning of winter and she is trying to love him more. She wants to be part of his life, to share decisions he takes, to love him in the way he loves her. But Summer has not let go yet…

It would have been perfectly acceptable before to go through life in this cloudy facsimile of what life could actually be, unaware of a certain kind of summer love. How could she have known that the grass could be this Technicolor green, that morning coffee could be so deep and rich and sweet, that clouds could stand out so perfectly puffy-white against a sky too blue to look at? She wishes she didn’t know this summer world, that it wasn’t shown to her, because she can’t go back to the muted one she’s living now.

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She tries to concentrate on the things she loves about him. Like maybe his eyes or his hair. She realizes just how perfect he is and it’s still not enough somehow. She is still stuck here trying to figure out how to love him more and she wishes someone could just show her the answers in the back of the book so she wouldn’t feel so fucking defective all the time. But that’s not the way love works. You either got it or you don’t and she knows she doesn’t have it. Yet, she’s trying hard to care…

But life is not a game…

Disclaimer: The short stories on my blog do NOT reflect my life in any single way. The characters involved are entirely fictional and are just figments of my imagination.

She still thinks about him…

27 Mar

As she lies in bed, about to close her eyes and drift off to a far-away place , this is when she realises that it has now been a long time since she last saw him, touched him, whispered something in his ear.Though a huge part of their largely-silent, post acquaintanceship is based on the idea that neither of them have any interest in the other — that whatever happened between them is something entirely left in the past to wither and rot — she still thinks of him. She is not sure if that makes her the weak one in the equation (though she is alright with it if she is). It’s as though whatever existed before is now somehow erased from the mutual history of both, never to be acknowledged again — and that just feels ridiculous.

She wishes that reaching out to him wouldn’t be such an inappropriate step. In fact, it’s the whole “this requires a long, drawn-out explanation of why we’re talking again” thing that really confuses her — is she not allowed to ever consider his existence again? In almost every other aspect of her life, keeping tabs on things and remembering what was good is something to be praised, something that makes you an adult. Somehow, this is the exception.

What has he been doing? The things that he always talked about doing in that kind of dreamy, half-asleep lull of honesty — is he doing them?

Does he think about her? I know, it’s selfish, it’s childish. Nothing screams “immaturity” like wanting to catch up with someone only to shortly thereafter find out exactly what a small (or not at all) percentage of his life has to do with her still.

But in the interest of honesty, she does wonder…Sometimes, if he still does…!

I still think about you!

He likes her fine, he just doesn’t like her…!

16 Feb

She confronted his unavailability head front. They didn’t speak; they didn’t keep in touch. For a long time, she remained convinced that this period of distance was a strange emotional coma from which she would suddenly awake. The tiny flame of hope that this may all have been a petulant phase in his otherwise limitless capacity for love and understanding was perhaps more painful than the harsh finality of his disinterest. To keep grasping at ever-slimmer chances of a happy ending was frustrating, and then ridiculous, and then profoundly sad. She would have liked to just go straight to sad.

She finally understood that time takes things away, and it usually takes these things away from you without offering an easy replacement. Parts of her want to move forward in a constructive fashion, but the heavier, more vocal pieces sometimes start to inch downward instead. She used to sit there and make excuses for him like “he had a bad day”; “he hates answering text messages”.

No. Nope. If you like someone, you find a way. If you like someone, they invade your thoughts and actions involuntarily. If you like someone, you’re on fire. If you like someone, you make room for them in your brain and in your life — no matter what else is going on. (Or even better, you don’t have to make room. You just feel like they fit.)

Sure, she’s fun to be with. She’s easy going. She makes him laugh. She kisses him whenever he wishes to. But he doesn’t think about her before going to bed at night. He doesn’t wonder what she is doing during the day. He doesn’t need to see her, to touch her, to talk to her. He is no longer a part of her life, and he doesn’t even acknowledge that. Memories no longer exist for him.

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But here’s the thing, she can’t “kind of” like him. she can’t fall “a little bit” in love with him. She is going to like him in a way that is going to warm him, in a perpetual sort of way. She doesn’t fall often and easy, she’s choosy, but when she does, she will wash them both ashore.

As much as the little scar on her knee will always remind her to watch out when she is running, his on her heart will teach her to be kind. Because she knows what it feels like to be cast aside with indifference. He will live in her mind as a cautionary tale, a fable of how much damage words can do — especially when they are insincere.

And although sometimes, she is nostalgic for what they had…Please know that she will stop reaching out.

…He likes her fine, he just doesn’t like her

# 4. You make me happy!

1 Feb

You make me happy. I wasn’t sure if that’s what it was, at first, but that wasn’t your fault.

You make me happy to talk to. I like when you call. I like when you text.  I like when we argue. I like when you tease me. I like when you kiss me. You make me feel like passion fruit ice cream, the one at Shoprite and long summer night walks on the beach and cool ocean water and icy, delicious coconut juice and hands cupped together, a winter night, the first snow. You make me feel like little kids in rainbow bathing suits jumping in chaotic sprinkler systems across fresh green grass and like a cresting wave bumping the sandy shoreline. You make me feel like a kid in a candy store.

But I’m not taking the leap of faith into the chasm of rejection..

But you. You are just right…Somehow!

And I just can’t wait to wish … to have you out of my mind!

…Or not!

You Make Me Happy